Haunt Me While I'm Healing
by Trika-chan
Summary: A song fic about Hisoka and the rain. Angsty and introspective-ness. Hints of shonen ai. PG for slight slight cursing and uh, too much rain...just read and enjoy


A/N: Hope you enjoy the story, y'all ^__~  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Yami no Matsuei, if I did, that would be pretty damn cool. But I don't, so don't sue me. I was never very good at sewing anyhow *everyone: *dies from really awful pun* this is more of an introspective little Hisoka fic, but yes, I admit, I wanted it to lean more Tsuzuki/Hisoka, so it does. This is just a post-Kyoto fic based on the anime in a short story side story style. Also, the song is By Ben Taylor, its called Rain, and sadly, I don't own it either. Cool song though.  
  
Haunt me while I'm healing  
  
A Yami no Matsuei song fic  
  
Dammit.  
It just can't get any worse.  
Wait; forget that, it just got worse. Now it's started to rain. Really hard. I hate rain.  
This is the thick-layered-pouring-down-from-the-heavens-like-cats-and- dogs kind of rain. I especially hate that kind of rain. And to top is all off, I'm lost and I don't have an umbrella or anything to keep me dry. I could really use an umbrella right now. It's only going to be a matter of seconds before I'm soaked to the bone. And man, is it dark. Dark, stormy - not my ideal working conditions.  
The worst part is - I don't know where Tsuzuki went. We were together when we set out on the mission and then we split up to work faster. Now that it's dark and pouring rain, I'm starting to wish we hadn't split up.  
.Not that I'm afraid of the dark or the rain or anything. I'm not afraid of getting hurt, I mean, being dead all ready. It's just - if I have to be in such an annoying situation, I may as well have some company. Especially Tsuzuki's company. I could really use some of his light hearted- ness at the moment.  
  
"Rain,  
Your powers are astounding."  
  
Oh God, now I really can't see ahead of me anymore. I didn't think it would really get this bad. I think that's a bench up there. Had there been a bench there before? I really can't tell what's anywhere anymore. The damn rain is washing over everything. I can't see.I can't see.I hate not being able to see. Then again, you'd think I'd be used to it. Darkness is all I've ever really known. This shouldn't be any different than the cell. This shouldn't be any different than the gun or the curse or the wires or almost loosing the one you care most about. This shouldn't be any different.  
But it is.  
After all, those things were dangerous. It's only rain, right?  
Not being able to see.  
I can still feel. Yet, I'm slowly loosing that sense as well. My empathy is being dampened. It's cold. I'm wet. My body keeps soaking it all up. I feel like a sponge. The rain keeps coming. Never ending.and ouch, I think I just ran into the bench. Good to know it's still there. I think I'll sit down.  
All right, I can feel the bench beneath me. The soaked, soggy wood isn't really any kind of comfort, but at least I'm not wandering aimlessly around like a fool anymore. That's a plus.  
  
"When I lift this shell to my ear,  
I can hear your voice crying out."  
  
All right. This really isn't funny anymore. The rain is getting thicker. Could it possibly be falling any harder? Could it.  
I'm looking around wildly, even though I know I can't see anything at all, but dark shadows and water. Shadows.shadows remind me of Tatsumi. Damn, that's right. The money he gave me is probably soaking wet right now. Tsuzuki will be sad, now we can't afford dinner.  
.Where is Tsuzuki? Am I getting worried? I can't believe this. He's a Shinigami like me; he's got to be fine. He's probably out looking for me right now. Yeah, that's what he's doing for me.  
I can't feel my legs anymore. Forget about jeans, my jeans are heavier than my legs right now - weighed down with gallons of water from the sky. And I think my face is numb. Screw that, I think my whole body is numb. I can't think. What'd going on again?  
Oh yeah, it's raining.  
And I'm lost.  
Splendid. Memory loss.  
I think I'm panicking.  
  
"Rain,  
Your magic's all around me"  
  
I would lie down, but I think if I do, I'll drown. The water is pounding against me - coating everything like one massive blanket. I can't get anything in. I'm trapped here. No matter which way I move or look it's only the same thing. Shadows and rain.  
I can't feel anyone. That makes sense. Why would anyone be out in weather like this? That would be stupid. Why would anyone.  
.Yet, here I am. Kurosaki Hisoka - sitting in the rain like an idiot. I could just go back to Meifu but I shouldn't. And I know it. I can't leave here without Tsuzuki. And I know it. I know it, I know it.It would not be good for me to come waltzing in there without my partner, not good at all. Besides I don't want to leave without him.  
I wish he were here. Wishing is so stupid, though. It doesn't bring you anything but the pathway to more worry. That's why I don't usually wish for things. If that's so, Hisoka, why are you wishing he were here so badly? Why are you wishing at all?  
Did I just hear something? The only sound is the sound of the rain. What did I hear just now, though? Didn't sound like rain.sort of like something distant against the rain. Footsteps, maybe? Stop wishing, Hisoka. Stop making it seen real. Stop going crazy.  
Am I really going crazy?  
Why do I always get so jumpy when I'm alone like this? I'm such a weakling.I get nervous over a little rain.  
.A lot of rain.  
.And a lot of shadows.  
.God, did I just hear those footsteps again? Stop being stupid, it's just the pounding rain. No one is here. No one. No one at all.  
I've shut my eyes. Hurts to open them. Doesn't matter, really, I can't see anyway. There's nothing to see but rain, anyway, just rain.  
  
"When you bring the heavens down,  
I can fly until I dry out."  
  
Maybe I'll be stuck on this stupid bench for the rest of eternity. Maybe the rain will never end and I'll be stuck here for the rest of my afterlife. I wonder if they'll miss me up there in Meifu. I wonder if they'll replace me with a new Shinigami. I wonder if they'll say, "Welcome, you're replacing the worker we lost to the rain". That's such a stupid way to end. I wonder if they're thinking about me now. I wonder, if I really did become trapped here forever, would Tsuzuki miss me? I'm missing him now.I wish I could just fly away from here.  
I bet not a single bird down here on earth could fly in this mess. The raindrops are the size of golf balls, I swear. Hurts every time one of them hits my skin. An awful stinging sensation, it really doesn't help that the water is colder than most ice.  
I'm sure if I weren't all ready dead, I'd be dying right now. The pressure is enough to crush my brain. Can't think anymore. I wish I wasn't alone. Wish I could use my empathy. Wish I could see again. Look, here I go again with all the wishing crap. Stop wishing, Hisoka.  
  
"Maybe I'm only dreaming,"  
  
Maybe this is just a dream. If it is, why does it feel so damn real? Dreams are so realistic sometimes; maybe that's the case with this one. Lord, won't I ever wake up from this? I think I'll take a chance and lie down. If I drown, at least I'll be resting while I do it. I've never drowned before; maybe it's fun.maybe this dream will end if I drown.maybe.  
  
"Maybe I'm only foolish,"  
  
That's stupid. I can't be dreaming. Someone pinch me. Wait, never mind, if you did, I wouldn't feel it anyway. My skin is so numb, I don't want to think about it. My hair is plastered down against my head. The rain hurts. I don't want to think about it. That's stupid to do that.  
  
"Maybe I'm only deceiving myself  
And I'm not really ready to do this."  
  
Ok. I've done it. I've lain down on the bench. My head feels so heavy; it's better this way I think. Maybe if I fall asleep.  
.Can't do that. If I go to sleep, I'll never know if someone came to get me or not. Dammit, I'm so tired. A little sleep wouldn't hurt me, right? Lord, I think I'm freezing. Sleep is coming for me. I wonder if anyone has ever frozen alive and drowned at the same time. Maybe I'll be the first to achieve such a feat. Go me.  
It hurts. I want Tsuzuki to come for me. Why hasn't he come yet? Doesn't he want to save his partner? Doesn't he care? I can't believe he doesn't want to save me. I can't believe he wouldn't care enough to come. I can't -  
- I can't believe I'm thinking these things! How can I be so selfish? Oh God, I'm so selfish. Tsuzuki could be in an equally annoying and painful situation, I have no right to complain so much. I'm such a little kid. I'm so immature. He could be stuck in the rain, too. He could be fighting the demon.he could be.  
.Can't think. Don't want to think about that anyway. Tsuzuki is fine. I'll be fine. It's just rain. I'm getting sleepy. My eyelids feel like shit, I don't think I could open them even if I tried. So I might as well go to sleep, right? Right.  
  
"Rain,  
Come down upon my ceiling."  
  
What I would give to be back home at Meifu. What I would give to be out of this rain. Even if it meant going to battle the demon Tsuzuki and I originally set out to fight, I wouldn't care just so it wasn't in the rain. Plus I'd be with Tsuzuki. If he were here he'd probably be going on about hot chocolate or some kind of food he really wanted. What I would give to be eating some stupid sugary food with Tsuzuki. What I would give just to *be* with Tsuzuki, doesn't matter where, just so his arms are around me or something warm and nice like that.  
The rain is making me think crazy things. I'm not thinking straight at all. I have to stop these stupid thoughts, but I don't know how. I have to get out of this storm, this mess. I have to get back. I have to just get out.  
Now would be a good time to be saved. That's not going to happen, is it? I'm not getting saved, am I? Not this time.  
Again, here I go with the selfish crap. I'm always the one saved. I've got to stop being so weak. The rain is making me weak. No, Hisoka, you've always been so dependant on Tsuzuki saving you, you've always been weak. I never give him anything in return. I'm so cold. My brain feels so scrambled.  
I have to get up. I've come to that conclusion at least. I have to sit up and get off this bench. I don't think I have the strength to anymore, but I sure as hell have to try. I've got to be stronger. It's only rain. I'll stand up on the count of three.  
1.  
2.  
3.  
  
"Wash my sorrow for me,  
Until I find some sleep."  
  
Ok. That failed horribly. Feels like something is keeping me down. Maybe I'll just roll onto the soaked pavement and die there.again. No one, not even me will care anymore. I'll go to sleep. I'll just sleep. I've been in this rain for so long, how many hours has it been? Too many. Way too many. Are hey worried yet? Am I worried yet? I don't know.  
I know I'm going to regret this someday. If I ever get out of here, I'll regret ever coming to this point of hopelessness. I'll regret ever being this weak. I really have nothing left, do I? I really can't make up my mind to move or lay, live or die, scream or cry.where am I anymore?  
God, this is going to come back to haunt me forever. Even when this is over, the rain will never be the same to me. It'll always remind me of my weakness. It will always haunt me. Nature, birds, trees, rain.all will haunt me. This has changed me.  
  
"Jay,  
Come haunt me while I'm healing"  
  
I feel sick. I can't make up my mind. Don't know what to do anymore. Did I ever know what to do? There go those footsteps again. Did we already establish the fact that I'm crazy? Thought so. There's nothing left to do, to think.I've come to all conclusions I think I'll be coming to for a long time.  
I'm not getting saved. Tsuzuki isn't coming. I'm alone, again. I'm cold and it's raining. I'm crazy and scared. I'm wet and lost and I don't have the strength left to save myself. I've failed. I've been beaten by nature. The rain has beaten me.  
That's sad.  
This can't be normal rain.  
Oh God, those imaginary footsteps are coming closer. Did I fall asleep? Something's there.there's someone else here with me.could it be.  
  
"Remind tomorrow for me,  
So I can get some peace."  
  
What time is it? Where am I exactly? There is definitely someone here with me. My empathy, as dampened as it is, can sense *something*. I know I should sit up. I know I should try and open my eyes and see who it is. I just can't move. The rain is still falling. Am I falling too? Aren't they, whoever is with me, affected by the rain? Are they as wet as me? Maybe they're just stronger than me or something.  
Who could possibly have seen me here through this rain? Is it Tsuzuki? Oh God, please let it be him. Let it all be over. Let the rain stop. Wash me away.  
  
"Maybe I'm only dreaming."  
  
I can't wake from this. Whoever is there is so close now, It's driving me insane. They'll reach me any second. Then I'll be saved.  
  
"Maybe I'm only foolish."  
  
I'm drowning. I can't breathe at all anymore. There are hands on my shoulders. Someone is shaking me. Are they trying to wake me? I can't feel anything anymore. Who is it? Oh God, is it *him*. Could it be *him*, coming to kidnap me or take me somewhere to lure Tsuzuki to him like he always tries to do.  
  
"Maybe I'm only deceiving myself  
And I'm not really ready to do this."  
  
If it is Muraki, than there really is no hope left for me. There is no way I have the strength left to fight him. It's still raining. Was this all a trap? Did he make it rain so I would be weakened like this.? That's impossible.not even he could *make* it rain.could he? It doesn't even matter anymore. The idea of being taken away, even if it is by Muraki, is delightful sounding. Anything to get out of this rain. I don't care who it is anymore, just so they take me somewhere dry.  
I think they're calling my name, but I can't hear it.  
  
"Rain,  
Your voice is like the water."  
  
I think I'm being picked up. I can't tell if I'm still on the bench or not. Who's holding me? The rain is still beating down upon us. Why aren't they getting wet? Maybe they can take a little rain.a lot of rain.I feel so weak. I have to be saved from a rainstorm. I'm so weak. I think I'm crying.  
If I'm crying, I can't tell. I'm too wet all ready. I think if it rains anymore my clothing will rip to shreds. I think.  
I think.  
I think.  
  
"Wash your wisdom on me,  
Until my mind is free."  
  
I think I fainted.  
"Hisoka."  
I think they're calling my name again. This time I can actually hear it.  
"Hisoka."  
I think it sounds like Tsuzuki. Is it Tsuzuki? Please let it be him. That would make me so happy. That would be so wonderful. I think I would have to hug him.  
"Hisoka, open your eyes."  
I don't think I can.  
I could try though.  
I have to try. If I don't, I'll never know if it's Tsuzuki.  
I think I'll try.  
Here I go.  
  
"I can see.  
All you have to do is to believe."  
  
I opened my eyes!  
I can see! Oh lord, the colors, the shapes, the world is returning to me! I can see everything. It's a little blurry, but that's to be expected.  
Who is that standing over me?  
It's him.  
It's Tsuzuki.  
It's really him. He's really here.  
"You opened your eyes, Hisoka. You're okay now." He smiles at me. Is that relief in his voice? That means.was he really worried about me?  
I want to tell him so many things, but I can't seem to get the words out.  
He looks so happy, though. His hair is all wet and his clothes are damp. We're somewhere inside. My clothes seem to have left me. I'm here wrapped in a damp robe. Am I blushing? I think I am. I'm also cold.  
"You're okay now, Hisoka. You had fainted on a park bench in the middle of this hurricane-of-a-storm. I couldn't find you anywhere."  
He looks sad.  
.About losing me.  
  
"Maybe I'm only dreaming."  
"You.were worried about me.?" I managed some words. I have to know this.  
"Of course I was! I couldn't find the demon, so I went to look for you.and you weren't there and it worried me.and I was sort of angry at myself for losing you like that."  
He looks down.  
Now I feel guilty. I had caused him worry and pain and I stopped the mission all because of my weakness. I'm selfish.aren't I?  
  
"Maybe I'm only foolish."  
  
"I'm so sorry, Tsuzuki."  
Never underestimate the power of 'I'm sorry', that's what I've learned. He hugs me. It's so warm. It feels like years since I've been this warm. Feels like so long ago since the last time he's hugged me.  
I think I really am crying this time. I think he is too. Why are we so upset over this? I got lost in a storm and we're treating it like we've been away from each other for years. We're both immature and weak, aren't we? But you know.I don't think that's necessarily as bad thing. We're just not ready for some things. I know I'm not. Maybe we're both just not ready for a rainstorm like this. Or maybe.we need each other a lot more than we thought we did. I don't know if that's the answer or not.  
But I think it'll be ok now.  
I think I understand.  
  
"Maybe I'm only deceiving myself,  
And I'll never be ready to do this."  
  
I think it stopped raining. 


End file.
